How To Talk About Sex With Your Spouse (Without Fighting)
If you’re wondering how to talk about sex with your spouse, you’re not alone. Many couples find this to be one of the hardest conversations to start.
Why Talking About Sex Is So Hard
If you’re wondering how to talk about sex with your spouse, you’re not alone. As a sex therapist, I often see couples struggle with this conversation, even when that is the primary reason they are seeking treatment. Talking about sex can feel awkward, scary, or even unsafe—but with the right tools, it can bring you closer and strengthen your marriage. Obviously, it is challenging to open up to a therapist about such a sensitive topic, even if the person is a professional. Still, most of these couples struggle to discuss sex with their spouse. When they do, it often does not feel safe and sometimes causes harm in their relationship.
Since sex is sensitive, you may fear judgment or rejection. If you’re not comfortable with sexual language, it can be harder to start the conversation. Many fear it will create conflict or tension in their relationship (oftentimes because it already has). You may be afraid that you are not good enough or feel insecure about your performance.
Your past experiences may also play a role. It can be that you have previous betrayals or sexual trauma that makes being vulnerable feel unsafe. Or you may struggle with feelings of shame or guilt because of what you learned about sex growing up. There are many religious and cultural taboos about sex, especially outside of the context of marriage, that can make talking about sex feel impossible.
Benefits Of Talking About Sex With Your Spouse
Increased satisfaction
It is much easier to be satisfied and fulfilled with your sex life if you can talk to your spouse openly. You can reduce the assumptions and guesswork that are required when you communicate. You will also feel more satisfied in your relationship as a whole.
Increased emotional intimacy
Speaking openly about a sensitive topic, like sex, can build trust and strengthen the connection with your spouse. Additionally, women in particular tend to need to feel emotionally safe to engage with their spouse sexually.
Reduces conflict and misunderstandings
When you do not know what your spouse wants or needs, you have to guess. Without good communication, you increase the likelihood of resentment developing because their needs are not being met.
Promotes healthy boundaries
Open communication allows you to set clear boundaries and limitations that can increase a sense of safety and security. Exploring preferences can even open up new opportunities.
Increase confidence and reduce anxiety
If you know what your spouse is looking for in your sexual relationship, you will feel more confident in your ability to satisfy them. You will also experience less anxiety as you are both on the same page.
How To Start Talking About Sex (Tips and Topics)
Time and Place
When you talk about sex is just as important as what you say. You need to be intentional in your approach. Do not bring it up during a fight or while you are already engaging in a sexual activity. Approach your spouse when you are calm and let them know that you would like to talk to them about sex. You can say something like “I would like to set aside some time for us to talk about our sex life. I am not upset, but I would like to get on the same page about a few things.” You could also share this blog post with your spouse and suggest that you set aside some time to talk about sex.
Set the stage
Make sure there are no distractions and you are seated in a way that you can make eye contact during the conversation.
Talk about the process
Acknowledge that this is a difficult topic for you to discuss. Explain your intention/goal for the conversation (i.e., to feel closer and improve satisfaction).
Be curious and be gentle
When trying to understand your spouse’s perspective, come from a place of curiosity and ask questions rather than blame. Try to be open to differences so you can work together to find a balance. Share things you appreciate as well, so your spouse does not feel like they do everything wrong (this can help reduce their defensiveness). When speaking about yourself, use I statements instead of “you always” or “you never”. Example: I feel disconnected from you when ____.
Make invitations rather than demands
Instead of demanding your spouse meet your needs, try inviting them by saying something like “I think it would be fun to try…”
Topics to discuss
Frequency - How often would you like to have sex?
Difference in desire - Is the frequency preference different between you? If so, what nonsexual activities can help bridge the gap between those differences that can help meet those physical needs?
Timing/energy levels - When are you most likely to be interested in sex or have the most energy for sex vs. when are you least likely to be interested or have energy
Initiation - How do you prefer to initiate sex/prefer for your spouse to initiate sex with you (this can be words and/or actions)?
Warm up/arousal - What do you need to do/need your spouse to do, to help increase arousal in the early stages of sex?
Aftercare - What do you prefer to do after sex (e.g., cuddle, shower, etc)
Boundaries - What are you okay with and what needs to be avoided? It is okay if you say some things are always okay, and other things you want your spouse to check with you before pursuing. I like using traffic lights to demonstrate this. Green means always okay, yellow means check first, and red means never okay.
Check in again in the future
This conversation does not have to occur once and never be addressed again. It is okay to check in, especially as you make changes to see how they are going over. Sometimes we will tell our partner we want something, but when put into practice, it does not go over the way we thought it would.
If needed, get help
If you are unable to broach this topic effectively with your partner or you find that you are unable to get on the same page, that is a sign you may benefit from expert help from a trained sex therapist.
When To Seek Help From A Therapist
Learning how to talk about sex with your spouse takes time, patience, and care. With these tips, you can build intimacy, reduce conflict, and feel closer than ever. If you can’t talk about sex without tension or if you feel stuck, that’s a sign to reach out to a trained sex therapist. If you need extra support, we can help. Reach out to Corrie Brewton who is a trained sex therapist in our practice.
