Helping Children Cope with Separation and Divorce: Expert Tips for Parents
As a licensed marriage and family therapist I have worked with individuals, couples, children, and young adults at every stage of the separation and divorce process. Whether it involves adults going through separation and divorce, couples navigating a trial separation, or helping children and young adults cope with the effects of parental separation or divorce, one key lesson I have learned is that divorce impacts every member of the family.
Why Kids May Seem “Fine” on the Outside
Parents experiencing separation or divorce often struggle to maintain emotional balance and self-care during this challenging time. They face a wide range of emotions and may feel overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. While children may seem to be coping well on the surface, they are often struggling beneath the surface. Here are some practical tips to help parents care for themselves and their children during this difficult time.
Communicating Divorce to Children in Age-Appropriate Ways
Children thrive when they understand what is happening and what to expect in the future. Even if you don’t have all the answers, it’s important for them to receive some explanation. Tailor your explanations to your child's age and emotional maturity. Here are two examples:
"Mom and Dad are not getting along well right now, and to help, we are going to spend some time apart to work on ourselves. When we know more about our plan for the future, we will let you know."
"Mommy and Daddy have decided not to stay married. Although we have stopped loving each other, we will never stop loving you."
Tip: Reach out to a Paraclete Counseling Center therapist if you need help finding the right words for your child.
Understanding Regressive Behavior After Divorce
During times of change, children benefit greatly from routine. Aim to keep their day-to-day life and schedule as predictable and stable as possible. While you may be tempted to relax the rules or overindulge your children to compensate for the difficulties of the separation or divorce, these actions can lead to more problems in the long run. Instead of being lax with rules and limits, try to find a balance between showing grace and maintaining consistency in expectations.
Expect and Understand Regressive Behavior
It is normal for children to temporarily revert to earlier developmental stages when coping with stress. You might notice they may:
Push boundaries
Throw temper tantrums
Experience sleep difficulties
Become more needy or affectionate
Withdraw from parental limits and discipline
Remember that this regression is normal and temporary. However, be cautious not to let regressive behavior go unchecked for too long. Communicate openly with your children about their behavior by expressing your observations. For example, you might say, "I wonder if you are feeling extra cuddly because you are worried about our closeness and miss me when we’re not together," or "I wonder if you are not following the rules because you are angry at us for the divorce and the changes happening in your life."
These kinds of statements create a safe space for your child to express their feelings. By checking in on them and showing curiosity about their behavior, you convey that you care and that it’s okay to talk about their feelings.
Finding the Balance: Talking About Divorce Without Overwhelming Your Child
Children need normalcy and the opportunity to just be kids. Avoid allowing separation and divorce to dominate every conversation or moment. Teenagers, in particular, may not want to be burdened with excessive details about the separation or divorce. Parents often assume that older children can handle knowing more about the situation, but overwhelming them with information or adult details can be too much to handle. Even adult children may not want to know all the specifics. Allow them the space to focus on school, friendships, and hobbies while you find appropriate support to process your own emotions.
How Your Self-Care Impacts Your Child’s Emotional Health
Many parents direct their energy and attention primarily toward their children during this time, often trying to compensate for their children’s experiences. Sensitive children might assume the role of caregiver for their parents and feel anxious about their well-being. They may also become peacekeepers, working to prevent parental conflict. It’s important to recognize that your child does not need this added burden.
Create your own support system, seek therapy if necessary, and practice consistent self-care. This way, your child will be less likely to feel pressured to worry about you as the parent. When you prioritize your own well-being, you foster a healthier environment for both you and your children
Supporting Your Child’s Relationship with the Other Parent
When parents separate or divorce, they often experience feelings of anger, hurt, and other negative emotions towards each other. It can feel unfair that your children continue to love the other parent or seem unaffected by the pain caused. However, it is essential for your children to be able to love and care for both parents. Avoid putting them in a loyalty bind where they feel they must choose one parent over the other. Here are some behaviors to avoid:
Criticizing the other parent in front of your child.
Showing negative non-verbal cues when discussing the other parent, such as rolling your eyes or sighing.
Interrogating or questioning your child about their time spent with the other parent.
Making your children feel they must choose sides.
When you convey that it's unacceptable to love both parents, you inadvertently cause your child unnecessary stress and anxiety.
Don’t Put Your Child in the Middle of Co-Parenting Conflicts
Having children send messages on your behalf, arguing in front of them, or forcing them to decide between parents can make them feel stuck in the middle. Instead, strive to communicate directly with the other parent and maintain a positive (or at least neutral) stance regarding the other parent and the child's time with them. Separate any negative behaviors of the other parent from your overall view of them, allowing your children the freedom to love both of you. Just because someone is acting in a way you don’t like doesn’t mean your child can’t love them.
When issues arise, provide specific feedback directly to the other parent about behaviors or co-parenting agreements that are not being followed. For instance, if the other parent fails to bring the correct clothing at the right time, communicate directly: “We agreed that our child will take their uniform back and forth to each house, and the drop-off time is 5 PM. Please ensure you remember their uniform and have them here on time in the future.”
Speaking negatively about or criticizing the other parent hurts your child. Remember, your child has traits from both parents. When you disparage the other parent in front of your child, it places undue pressure on them to either side with you or defend the other parent. Never put your children in a position to choose sides. If co-parenting is challenging, consider seeking help from a family therapist who specializes in post-divorce dynamics to foster healthier communication.
Why Less Is More: Shielding Children from Adult Details
Children do not need to know everything. Be cautious about sharing negative information regarding the other parent or the reasons for the divorce. Children cannot process every adult detail, and revealing certain information may burden them. This can be especially hard when you feel a sense of injustice and believe your former spouse has not faced consequences for their actions. Think about what is more important: seeking justice (which may not come) or allowing your children to feel loved and supported. Trying to make the other parent pay or assigning blame will only hinder your child’s ability to feel prioritized and secure.
Acknowledge Your Child’s Grief Without Rushing It
Just as you may have hoped for a lasting relationship that didn’t work out, your children might wish for a healthy, intact family. Even if they recognize that their parents are better off apart, they still experience a loss that needs to be acknowledged and mourned. Many well-intentioned parents attempt to rush their children through these feelings. Allow your children to experience their grief at their own pace.
Understand that grief manifests differently for everyone. Some children may express their grief through emotional outbursts, while others may exhibit less obvious signs. Regularly check in with your children and normalize a range of emotions for them. Welcoming both their positive feelings and their more challenging emotions communicates that you accept all parts of them and are a safe space, regardless of what they are experiencing.
How to Co-Parent Effectively (Even When It’s Hard)
Good co-parenting is one of the best gifts you can give your child. Many families find co-parenting difficult, so treat it as a job that benefits your child. Co-parent relationships function best when approached like a business relationship. Work on your emotions and personal issues with the other parent outside of your parenting discussions. This way, you can focus on raising your children together. Communicate with the other parent as you would with a colleague: in a professional, task-oriented, and polite manner. If you struggle to treat the other parent with respect, do it for the sake of your child, not because of what the other parent deserves.
Divorce Has a Long-Term Impact—Here’s How to Support Your Child Through It
While you may eventually find peace and establish a new sense of normalcy, the impact of divorce on a child doesn’t completely disappear; it simply becomes more manageable over time. Children may seem fine one moment and then suddenly experience a wave of sadness or anger. They might appear to be doing well initially, only to struggle with the divorce or their relationship with a parent later on. Expect moments of intense emotions and be prepared to provide a safe space for those thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to agree with their emotions; just offer them a secure environment to express themselves.
Helping Your Child Build Emotional Resilience
Separation and divorce are never easy, but challenging and stressful times can lead to positive outcomes. This difficult period can strengthen your children and enhance their ability to cope with hardships. Shielding your children from all adversity is not beneficial, as pain is an inevitable part of life. Instead, focus on guiding them to develop the skills and confidence needed to successfully navigate difficult situations, which will better equip them for the future.
When to Seek Professional Support
If you notice persistent signs of distress in your child, consider seeking professional help, such as:
- Individual therapy for your child
- Family therapy to improve communication skills
- Support groups where children can connect with peers facing similar challenges
If your child is struggling with separation or divorce, reach out to our staff. We can help!
At Paraclete Counseling Center, we offer specialized therapy for families navigating separation and divorce. Our team is here to support you and your child during this difficult time.
Kami Legg, LMFT, is a seasoned therapist with over a decade of experience helping individuals, couples, and families navigate life's challenges, including separation and divorce. Specializing in mood disorders, trauma, and relationship issues, Kami brings a compassionate, personalized approach to each client. Whether you're working through grief, family dynamics, or seeking to rebuild emotional resilience, Kami’s diverse expertise allows her to tailor therapy to meet your unique needs. With a heart for both faith-based and secular counseling, Kami helps clients find healing, strength, and solutions, fostering peace and emotional well-being. If your child or family is needing extra support following a separation or divorce, reach out to schedule a free consultation call with Kami.
Paraclete Counseling Center is conveniently located in Suwanee, GA, and offers both online and in-person therapy to clients in Suwanee, Johns Creek, Duluth, Alpharetta, Cumming, Buford, Norcross, Lawrenceville, Roswell, Peachtree Corners, Dacula, and the surrounding areas. We are proud to offer Christian counseling to individuals, couples, and families looking for faith-based support in their therapeutic journey. Whether you're dealing with mental health concerns, relationship challenges, or desiring personal growth, we are here to walk with you through whatever you're going through. Reach out today to schedule a session with us!
This post was last updated on June 24, 2025, to ensure accuracy and relevance.
